These Words
by MaxximumRide666
Summary: Sometimes we can't say what we really want to, so the only way round it is to write it. Just pick up a pen and pour all the frustration, the anger, the pain, the feelings onto the page. Maybe then it won't feel so bad. Random Liley drabble.
1. Chapter 1

**Author Note:**** Well, long time no write guys!! Totally my fault, i know!! I've been busy with stuff in the summer and now that school's started again there's pretty much no hope of me doing any school work at all XD Heh nah, I'll try and balance school and my writing, since writing is kinda what i wanna do at uni so i need a bit o' both XD**

**Anywho, this is... well I'm not entirely sure what this is =S but i wrote it a while ago when i was having trouble saying what i meant to my girlfriend, so this is the second story that's come about because of her!! Whether that is good or bad you can decide, but i decided to make this random rambling into a Liley for you all =) there may be more to this story, like i might make it just random things i write to do with Liley and keep it all as one story.**

**Well anyway, i hope you guys like it.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hannah Montana or any of the characters!!**

**These Words**

Hey, umm it's Lilly. I was just, y'know, thinkin' about her again, like always, so I just started writin' and this is what I got, I guess.

Just, y'know, somethin' else to add to the collection. Hmm it's getting pretty big now, it has been almost a year now. Yeah, a year next week, next Friday to be exact. I remember, we were meant to go for ice cream after school. Guess that never happened.

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I miss you so goddamn much each day,  
It actually hurts when I think about it too hard,  
When I'm not with you it feels like I'm suffocating,  
Like there's no air in the room and I want to scream,  
Because it hurts to even breathe.

I think about you all the time,  
There's never a moment when you're not on my mind.  
It doesn't help with the aching but I just can't help it,  
I'm so hung up on you I can't think straight,  
And half the time I don't even know which way is up.

I love you so bloody much and I still wonder why I have you,  
But I'd do anything for you, to make you happy,  
Because you mean the world to me.  
I don't want anyone else because you're all I see,  
When I'm with you it's like everyone, everything, just stops and goes away.

I need you so much all the time,  
You're my rock, my strength;  
You keep me going when I just want to give up.  
I feel safe and happy and together when I'm with you,  
Like I could do anything, be anyone I wanted to be.

I've never thought much about the future before,  
Never seen anything much for myself.  
But now I got you and I'm suddenly looking forward to it,  
To the future, and I just wish it'd hurry up and get here.  
That way I can spend it with you.

The things you say you see in me, I just don't see them.  
Like you don't see all the stuff I see in you.  
I try so damn hard to be a better person,  
To be the person you deserve.  
Because right now, you deserve so much more.

I know you'll argue and say that I'm wrong,  
But when I look in the mirror I don't have a clue what you see.  
All I see are the lies I've told, the people I've hurt and the bad things I've done.  
I'm not proud of them, and if I knew how to I'd make up for them I would,  
But I don't know how and they'll always haunt me.

I don't get like this often, but sometimes it's all just too much.  
It's all stuck inside me and I don't know what to do.  
I can never find the right words, and I get so confused.  
I don't want to be like this, and I know you want to help,  
But I don't want to hurt you, so I gotta do it on my own.

I wish you were here right now,  
Because I know you'd make it all right.  
But you're so far away and it's been too long.  
I know I love you and I'm completely yours,  
I'll always be here, you just gotta call.

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Umm yeah. Not as long as my last one, by four whole verses. Maybe it is gettin' better after all.

....No. No, I just want her to come back! This is her home now, Malibu, not Tennessee! Not anymore! It's not fair! I need her.

I need her so much.

...Hmm one step forward, eighteen steps back, I guess.

See you tomorrow, no doubt.

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**Author Note: So there we have it =) let me know what you guys think!! In a bit all =)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author Note: Hey, sorry about not writing and posting anything for a while, it's been pretty damn hectic at my end. What with it being my final year before i'm off to Uni, so my school is determined to work me to death before i leave =S **

**This is more of an update into the going ons in my life, but i thought it quite related to Lilly's situation here so yeah, once again it's pretty much just random thoughts, which is kinda why i called it a drabble so =)**

**Anywho, tell me what you think.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hannah Montana or any of the characters (but it'd be a heck of a lot more interesting show if i did XD)**

Hey, it's me, Lilly, again.

I was just, y'know... thinkin'. About her. Again.

I know I said I wouldn't but I just... I can't help myself.

Y'know, you always think how great it would be to go out or fall in love with your best friend. Y'know practically everythin' about them already; you're so freakishly close that datin' them wouldn't even be that big a step.

But when you fall in love with someone, I guess you never really consider the consequences. And believe me, there are always consequences.

Datin' your best friend... well it'd be truly amazin', that's for sure. Maybe a little weird at first, but once you get used to the fact that you can call them 'babe' and kiss them whenever the heck you like, it's pretty much the greatest feelin' in the world. Havin' the one person you trust, the one person who is always there for you, really be your everythin' is... I can't describe it! I hope you all get to feel that some day.

But then again... I hope you don't.

Just in case.

If somethin' goes wrong, or things change, then you don't just lose your girlfriend or boyfriend, you also lose your bestest friend in the whole world too. You might gain one thing by goin' out with them, but if you lose them, you lose two things. It's a double whammy and it doesn't exactly feel all that good.

I wish I'd thought about it more, thought about what could happen if somethin'... I wish I had thought about it before I fell head over heels in love with my best friend.

But I didn't. I got majorly screwed over and I lost everythin'.

She left... She left me.

And I don't think she's comin' back... I don't think she's ever comin' back for me.

It... It just hurts. I realised it a while ago, I guess. But I've been so numb for so long that I never even...

I want her to come back.

Back home, back to school... back to me.

Most of all I want her to come back to me.

I miss her. I can't even find the words to say how much, because if I think about it too much, if I let myself think about her anymore than I already have, I don't think I'll be able to get back up on my own.

I need her, I love her so much!

But I guess she doesn't need me... I guess she doesn't... love me... anymore...

She left.

No last kiss, no nothin'.

...She didn't even say goodbye...

She just... left.

I have to go. I'm startin' to feel again, and the pain is almost overwhelmin'.

But I'll be back again, and again, and again... until I finally just give up.

Talk soon.

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**Author Note: I am actually working on some other stuff atm, two Camp Rock stories, so i shall get them typed up and posted asap. Promise =)**

**Oh and one last thing before i go, just wanted to say a massive thank you to the most amazing guy ever, Lord Jellyfish!! He's a brilliant beta and an awesome friend, i wouldn't be anywhere without him =)**

**Heh so in a bit all, hope you guys are having a good december =)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Author Note: Hmm quick updating for me! Ahh well, i've been neglecting you guys so i thought i'd try and make up for it a little =) I actually wrote this about two minutes ago, i realised summat today and when i sat down at the computer half an hour ago to do my history essay. i thought i should get this outta the way first so i can focus on my essay, so i just started typing =)**

**I hope you guys like it, review and let me know =)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hannah Montana or any of the characters.**

Hey, it's me.

I guess it doesn't hurt so much now. It's more of a numb feeling, y'know, like when you've been to the dentist and you had to have a fillin'... that horrible injection they give you that makes your whole face numb. Except it's not just my face, it's my whole body now. Even my brain, because I can't seem to think of much, just simple things. Things like 'It's cold, I need a jacket', or 'I'm tired, I gotta sleep now'. Anythin' more than that and my brain refuses to make any sense and I end up with a headache.

Even tryin' to think about her doesn't work. I guess my heart has finally put its foot down and refuses to rip itself to shreds anymore. My mind digs its heels in when I try to summon up a memory of her or somethin' about her... I guess it's had enough of being tormented too.

Maybe it's for the best. Maybe now I might be able to try and get better.

But I'm not sure how I'll know if it's gettin' better when I can't feel a thing anymore. Maybe I'll think I've gotten better and my body will let down its defences but it'll turn out nothin' has changed and the pain'll be so bad that my heart won't be able to take it and will finally just give up...

Maybe pain is good, after all. At least that way I can see how far I still have to go to get over her and to stop it hurting altogether.

...I actually can't remember a time when it didn't hurt. Maybe there has never been a time; maybe I just dreamed it all up. All the memories of her, of us together... maybe it wasn't even real...

No. No! It has to be, it has to be real! It would never hurt so much if it hadn't been real! I wouldn't miss somethin' that I'd never even had, so of course it was real!

...It has to have been, or I'd've had nothin' at all.

My life really would've been pointless then... if I'd never even known her.

I couldn't stand that. I can't bear the thought of never havin' known her, it makes me want to scream, bang my head against a wall and cry all at the same time.

But... I wonder... what would my life have been like without her?

Would it have been so different? Or would I still be the same Lilly Truscott from before I met her, the uncontrollable, uncaring, unafraid teenager who just hated the whole world and would do anythin' to get back at it for the way it'd treated her?

Would I have still ended up this way if I had never met her? I think, maybe.

If I hadn't fallen for her, then it would've been someone else, no doubt. And they would've probably screwed me over just as much as she did. Then I'd be right back to where I'd started.

Like I am now... no, I'm not the same person I used to be. I'm completely different, someone new, someone I don't even know anymore.

I'm not that other Lilly, because I'm not so goddamn naive now.

I know what to expect, I know how things turn out, because I've been there, I've lived it... I have the experience now, so maybe I won't make that same mistake. I'll know next time not to let my guard down, not to let anyone in so easily.

Because you can't trust anyone. No one gives a shit about anyone else; they are too damn busy looking out for themselves, but y'know what? I don't blame them, because all you can really count on is yourself, that's all you got, in this world and the next.

I'm different now. If I'd known then what I know now, I'd've just given up and killed myself there and then. Because it's all so fucked up.

...Life sucks... Period.

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**Author Note: Thank you muchly for reading =) lemmie know what you think, and i shall try and update again asap =) later all**


	4. Chapter 4

**Author Note: Well it certainly has been along time since i last updated this story! Which i think is a good thing, cos i basically used this story to rant and vent, and when i'm feeling depressed. Life has been very hectic lately and i've forgotten about a lot of stuff, especially my stories, and reading/reviewing other people's stories (which i am sincerely sorry about!) but life's been taking a dive, problems with flatmates, with friends, with family, with health, not to mention my ex-girlfriend suddenly contacting me out of the blue. Probably just to brag about her great new girlfriend (who, might i add, she's been with for about a year and a half, which coincidently is when me and her broke up!) although i'm just being bitter and resentful, but i have a right! She broke my heart, dammit! **

***ahem* anywho... i just felt a little down and frustrated that i don't have my best friends with me to talk to, and that my family is so far away so i can't do anything to help them through their problems (my sister in particular, as much as i hate her sometimes, i'd do anything for her and when i heard that she was very unhappy, all i wanted to do was drive down there and do everything i could to make it better =/) So yeah, this is another depressing entry in the Lilly mope-athon.**

**Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own a damn thing, it sucks, but it's true.**

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Hey, it's Lilly. I know it's been a heck of a long time since I wrote in here, but I've been thinkin' a lot about her lately. Not sure why, but I guess I've never stopped thinkin' about her. It's just kind of gotten… busy in my life.

Well the real reason for this is that I wrote a letter. To her. I mean _another_ letter, to go with the hundreds of others hidden under my mattress. Since she never left a forwardin' address I don't know where the hell to send them to. I would send them to Hannah Montana, everyone in the world knows the address for Hannah, but I don't particularly want her fanmail sorters/readers/whatever they are, to read them and see how truly messed up I am. Plus it wouldn't do her any good if anyone thought Hannah was as gay as the day is long.

So yeah.

* * *

Hey M- ...You,

It's been a while since I wrote to you. Thing's have been… okay, I guess. I mean… not 'okay' okay, but better. I still think about you. It's hard not to. Still feels like you're gonna walk through the door any minute, shoutin' my name, a gleam in your eye. I love that gleam. It always meant you had a plan, and it didn't matter that the plan was weird or dumb or impossible to pull off, I always knew that if I was with you then we could make it work. And you knew that if you were with me then you'd always have someone to fall on; why else would you keep comin' back to me?

Thin's keep changin' all around me and sometimes it feels like I'm stood still, like I can't move at all and no one cares enough to bother askin' me why I'm not movin'. You always cared. You made a point of carin' about everyone and it used to get you into a lot of trouble, but you didn't mind. You knew it was the right thin' to do.

Maybe if I could change too then I'd start feelin' better, start livin' again, bein' myself. But it's hard to live when you don't have a heart. Do you think I should try and find a new one? A heart, I mean. If I had somethin' to fill that gap and keep the blood pumpin', the air flowin', then I'd be able to move again. Right?

Do you remember the time you sat up the whole night cryin' because some idiot boy had broken your heart? Because he thought you weren't good enough for him and he decided to cheat on you? I felt like he'd broken my heart too, it hurt that much to watch you cry. I wanted to scream at him, swear at him, beat him to within an inch of his sorry life… but you wouldn't let me. You still cared about him even though he'd hurt you so bad. I didn't understand it then, I just couldn't… couldn't see… You loved him, and he ripped you apart, but… you loved him.

It doesn't matter how much you hurt me. It doesn't matter if you don't come back for years and years and years. Because I'm always goin' to care. I'm always goin' to love you and I'm always goin' to be here.

I just wish you would change. Maybe then you'll see that love is love is love. No matter who you are. And maybe then you'll come back to me. Even if it's just to kiss me goodbye.

Always yours,

Lilly

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Yeah, so, guess I just wanted to share it with someone. Shouldn't keep thin's hidden away, all bottled up deep inside, no matter how much you want to. Because eventually you're goin' to explode. And believe me, it ain't pretty.

How do you think I ended up livin' in Oliver's basement?

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**Author Note: Depressing, i know, but that's why you should leave me reviews and cheer me up =) and if you review some of my other stuff too it'd make me even happier and i might update quicker =D Peace Out XD**

**(P.S. I'm over my ex now, honestly, i am! I just harbour a decent amount of resentment towards her, as is my right as the dumpee!) **


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